How intensive it is the struggle in my heart, where the pride is tempting me to search for my self-idolization, while the Spirit is calling me to be humble and serve The Lord.
This struggle keeps haunting my heart insofar I couldn't fall asleep easily these days. Apparently this isn't good at all.
This struggle started when I started to feel like taking part in the coming basketball competition. I rejected to go for the selection last month, because I felt like I'm going to be very busy and unable to commit, beside I would want to have my own time for some ministry works. I rejected many people invitation for playing in the team, apparently they were trying to recruit me as I'm one of the best players among them. However, I rejected them with all sort of reasons, but that time I I didn't feel regret.
Lately, my roommate was having badminton competition. I went to the court and shown my support. He was playing seriously while many supporters were screaming beside the court. (Of course they came not because of him but mainly the merit points given for their attendance, it is so pathetic) Anyway, I felt like to impress people just like how he did..the juniors didn't know my capability and talents, because I have never shown off. I was kinda driven by the desire to prove myself and impress them in order to make myself valuable and respectable. Therefore, after his game, I went back alone in silence, because I started to feel regret that I have missed the opportunity to prove myself in the basketball court. Therefore, I was trying to ask if there is any opportunity for me to join the team. Then I was informed that the team is full. They filled up the team with some people who do not belong the residential college instead of me who belongs to the residential college.
Undeniably all of us never deny my basketball experience and skill, they all seemed to be very excited when they were informed that I was trying to get back into the team, as I used to lead and guide the team. Anyway it is laughable to see that no one is willing to get out of the team in order to make me return. They don't intend to give up their place while they all know I'm better than most of them. Some don't want to give me the opportunity while they know that they might have to sit on the bench throughout the competition for their helplessness.
Who shall I blame? I blame on myself for not able to secure a place in the team in the very first beginning. They then invited me to be the coach and I really don't know what they were thinking. Do they think I would be patient to see how poorly they may perform while I know I am supposed to be playing on their behalf? I don't want to get into that temptation where I would probably look down on them for not giving me the opportunity that I deserve. Because of this, I don't even intend to watch their game, because I believe I would be annoyed when I see their poor performance without my guidance.
Hey...look? This is how I think! What a prideful and arrogant guy I am!! I think I'm better than others..none of them is better than me..and they don't deserve to represent the college because they are not fit enough to replace me. I want the cheers and screams from the audiences..I want to prove myself..what a great ego I possess! I was the one who rejected them, now I was the one who complaint them for not letting me to return. Some of them are my dear teammates that I have been mingled along with. Many of them still respect me as a senior. I don't want to just let them fight without guidance.
Very apparently, I'm just trying to idolize myself. I thank God that he doesn't allow anyone to give up the place just to give me the opportunity to sin against Him. Perhaps, people may think that it is normal to look for acknowledgement and recognition. But I believe it is sinful to feel dissatisfied in Christ. God I'm here to repent, please forgive me and grant me a humble spirit that is contented in you.
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